literature

Peter, the Snails, and Tomatoes

Deviation Actions

chika365

Published: Aug 14, 2015

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Literature Text

I wrote this story for my best friend Luke.

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Once there was a dog.

The Dog's name was Peter Szcheringer Fluffernutter.

It was a very special dog because it could speak to snails and it had like a tiny snail army at its beck and call.

The most special of these snails was named Williams Sonoma and he was Peter's henchman. He would perch up by the dog's ear and whisper things. A lot of times they were like random inside jokes and stuff but other times they were rumours to get other snails kicked out of the army because Williams Sonoma was very controlling and jealous.

(Peter Fluffernutter had no idea because he was kinda naive and so whenever Williams Sonoma would cast his loathsome trickery Peter would just kind of look the other way.)

Well one day the rest of the snail army decided they were pretty much done with Williams Sonoma because he had stolen a Cinnabon cinnamon roll away from the snails' rations and eaten it all for himself (he was very fat btw). So they made a plan to confront Peter the dog.

Shelby Black, the alpha female of the 101st Snail Legion, coordinated the plan. "We collect some evidence about Williams Sonoma", she said, "and bring it to The Illustrious Commander." (This is what they called Peter Fluffernutter.) "If he doesn't listen..." her stalky eyes glared around at the snails gathered about. "We mutiny."

"I think mutiny is just for ships", Phil Collins, the second-in-command, muttered under his breath. Shelby Black had him thrown out and he took refuge in a palm tree nearby to watch the drama go down.

So Phil Collins decided to make himself useful and try to earn back Shelby Black's trust, and he grabbed some coconuts from the tree and tried to play some epic face-off music but all he could remember how to play was "On My Way" from Brother Bear and Shelby Black hates that movie so she kicked him out again and this time he ended up in the grass and so he just decided to be quiet for awhile.

Meanwhile the snail army gathered about Peter Fluffernutter who was doing one of those random dog things where you just roll around in the grass and grin like an idiot. The Illustrious Leader did not seem very dignified. Another snail, Prince Fielder, started laughing really hard and snorted soda out his nose. Shelby Black kicked him out too because she is actually every bit as selfish as Williams Sonoma.

So Prince Fielder and Phil Collins huddled in the grass together and thus a beautiful friendship was born.

Peter Fluffernutter was drooling and Shelby Black suddenly became very nervous because she is OCD, so instead of coming off very strong and courageous and commanding she just blurted "Williams Sonoma ate all the food."

And Williams Sonoma was crawling slowly and menacingly up to Peter Fluffernutter's shoulder and giving Shelby Black this really smug look.

He was terrible.

Peter Fluffernutter was unfazed.

He was a very naive dog but also like really calm and was practicing his negotiating skills because he was taking a class on the Art of War. (By taking a class I mean he was sneaking around near the college and eating the student's lunches while he eavesdropped on the lectures which were given by a very bald skinny man.)

So he sat down calmly.

And he said "What is this all about?"

And Shelby Black said "Uh um well you see Williams Sonoma is a yucky trickster who doesn't share cinnamon rolls and he's like really mean and he....he pushed me!!"

Then Phil Collins who was hidden in the grass began to laugh very quietly and so did Prince Fielder and this other snail who was named Ryan Seager.

So Shelby Black kicked them all out again.

And Williams Sonoma was getting a little fed up.

So he started accusing Shelby Black.

"You're just so feminist, you know that, Shelby? You decided to take over the 101st so that you could go off on your female leaders campaign and overthrow anyone who said otherwise.

And Peter Fluffernutter looked back and forth from William to Shelby and gently reminded the snails:

"Snails are hermaphrodites. By definition they have no gender. Feminism is kinda impossible for snails."

Williams Sonoma kinda went silent and started to question his existence.

"Besides" Peter Fluffernutter continued.

"Your lifespan is 2 - 3 years out of captivity. When did I meet you all? About 2 years ago?"

Then Ryan Seager gasped loudly because he was the oldest snail.

Shelby Black conked him on the head with her stalky eyeball.

Several of the snails were running around and panicking and this was very funny because snails can't actually run that fast.

William Sonoma quietly fainted because he had eaten too much cinnamon roll and was very dehydrated.

Peter Fluffernutter anxiously wagged his tail and wondered if he had miscalculated his score on the Art of War finals because this whole negotiating thing was not going very well for him.

Perhaps that was just some french fry grease, and not an extra zero in the 100, he thought.

(He was in fact correct and had scored only a ten.)

Only Phil Collins and Prince Fielder realised that Peter Fluffernutter had been counting in dog years and that they had long and healthy lives ahead of them.

Then Peter Fluffernutter smelled a wonderful smell and wandered away in search of beef.

While he was gone Lukewarm Waterson came out and decided to tend to his garden. He was very displeased to find snails panicking around the tomatoes. He poured out an entire can of salt.

Only Phil Collins and Prince Fielder managed to escape, first to California, and then left again and started a new life in Boston where no-one knew their names.

Peter Fluffernutter returned to find the snail army vanquished at the hands of a passively vengeful gardener.

However he forgot that the snails were his friends because dogs have very poor memories. (This was also the reason why Peter had failed the Art of War finals.)

He smelled them and decided that they were not good to eat.

They were also salted to the point of being briny and made him sneeze quite a lot.

Bored, he wandered into the house and ran smack into Lukewarm Waterson, who was selfishly cradling his precious tomatoes and glaring suspiciously at nothing.

Surprised by the dog, Luke dropped the tomatoes.

They became impaled upon Peter's abhorrently long toenails.

He skittered across the floor and got tomato juice everywhere.

Bemoaning the loss of his tomatoes Luke Perkins slid to the floor and started to cry.

Peter made a hasty escape and reunited with Prince Fielder and Phil Collins in Boston.

They had escaped from California, tired of the weather.

Phil Collins had gotten a girlfriend and together they flew to Spain.

Peter and Prince Fielder decided to stick together and ended up becoming very philosophical and deciding they would go to catch the sunrise because they were tired of the sunset.

Meanwhile in Texas Luke's brother, the Unnamed Shadow, came home and was very very silent for a moment because the kitchen looked like a murder scene.

Then he remembered that blood does not have seeds and concluded that it must have been a Tomato Pandemonium (again).

And Phil Collins lives in Spain and sings "On My Way" over and over, to this very day.

The End.

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Apologies to Augustana because I used the song "Boston" as much of the ending storyline for this. Also apologies to the Unnamed Shadow who has no idea that I'm usurping him.