Where was I?!
Where was Night Owls?
Where was anything, really, on this account?
Things just trickled to a stop after the second installment. We here at the Night Owls headquarters (me) were really excited to get started but we just couldn't find a rhythm after that. I have like two or three chapters in process that all tapered off into the nothingness of February.
Ah, February. Honestly it's time I talked about it to someone, anyone. I told Gala a small bit of it and maybe a bit also to Luke and Seri but nobody knows the whole. February was bad, bad. Sheep-bleating baaaad. Depression hit an all time low. I don't remember a whole lot about February, which is pretty much how it goes. I remember a couple things:
-college pamphlets on the table and on the counter and on the floor of my bedroom
-a lot of questions running through my mind on sleepless nights
-crying in the bathroom with the water running
-crying in the shower
-crying on the floor
-crying on my bed
-crying, just a lot of crying
-a lot of questions
-Seri sending cheesy valentines on Hangouts
-being by myself most of the month
-questions, so many, with nothing for their answers
-alternatively nothing with the only question being why there wasn't something and then that question left and everything was just blank
So yeah, a lot happened, and a lot of nothing happened. I don't remember what I did during that time. Pretty sure it was school and a lot of book reading but I don't remember what books, as well as a good deal of staring at the ceiling, both during the day and at night. There was a small period of existential crisis when I thought about college and not-college and what-if and when. There was another period after figuring all that out that was just nothing, just lonesome and sadness and blankness. That part was scary because I don't remember much about it and that's always hard to surface from.
So March was me surfacing. Slowly I had a series of better days. As an overcompensating rebound, my anxiety took over for a little, not nearly as bad as it has been in the past, but still there. It was kind of relieving to feel that, at least. Part of that anxiety was waking up feeling groggy, or becoming sad over something, and then being worried that I was going to spiral again. It's been one crazy ride to here, the middle of April, but sometime in March things evened out and I'm doing ok now.
Winter always gets me. It was similar last year but not as bad.
So yeah, that's the lengthy, TMI truth about where I went for a couple months. For the first few of my absence (November? December? January...), it was just me adjusting to some changes and being pretty busy. Then February. Then March. And now it seems I'm back again, for the time being, and I hope to stay for awhile
Note: I usually get a lot of supporting messages on these journals about tough times and I want you all to know I really appreciate them. You always tell me I can talk to you if need be. Thank you so much for leaving that avenue open. While it's often hard for me to talk about these things to people WHILE they're actually happening (because my brain is a big dork), I really love that you all support me and endure these long absences and are always there waiting when I return.
Love, so much love,